Your kids used to run to the door when you came home. Now they will not return your calls. You used to coach their teams, make their lunches, tuck them in at night. Now you are told that seeing them would be harmful.
If this sounds familiar, and your church has been involved in your family's crisis, you need to read this.
What Parental Alienation Actually Is
Parental alienation is when a child rejects a relationship with a loving, capable parent, not because of anything that parent did, but because of the influence of the other parent or the people around them.
Dr. Craig Childress, a clinical psychologist who specializes in attachment and family conflict, describes three signs that alienation may be occurring:1
- The child suddenly refuses contact with a parent they previously had a healthy relationship with
- The child repeats adult language to describe that parent, using words that do not sound like a child's own experience
- The child believes the rejected parent is dangerous or abusive despite no evidence supporting that belief
This is not a custody disagreement. It is the systematic destruction of a parent-child bond. Mental health professionals recognize it as a form of emotional abuse of the child.2
How a Church Can Make This Worse
Churches get involved in family crises all the time. What becomes dangerous is when pastors, care teams, or church members begin influencing how children view one of their parents.
- A pastor counsels one parent but not the other. The church hears one side and treats it as the whole truth.
- Church members take sides. Kids hear adults talk about their mom or dad in ways that shape how they feel.
- Children are exposed to adult opinions. A youth pastor or family friend says something about one parent that a child absorbs.
- The church frames compliance as faithfulness. A parent who pushes back is labeled difficult, and that filters down to the children.
4 Things to Watch For
1. Are both parents being heard? If the church is only supporting one parent, the other parent's relationship with their children is at risk.
2. Are the children being kept out of it? If your child starts repeating things about you that sound like someone else's words, that is a sign.
3. Is the church fostering connection or separation? A healthy church advocates for children to have strong relationships with both parents.
4. Is anyone licensed to be doing this? If a pastor is making recommendations about custody or a parent's fitness, ask whether they have clinical training and accountability outside the church.
If your church is helping your children stay connected to both parents, that is pastoral care. If your church is helping one parent build a case against the other, that is something else entirely.
The moment the child accepts the victim role, everything else falls into place. The targeted parent becomes abusive. The alienating parent becomes protective.
What You Can Do
- Document everything. Dates, conversations, who said what, what your children are repeating.
- Get a licensed family therapist involved. Not a pastor. A licensed professional accountable to a state board.
- Talk to a family law attorney. If your access to your children is being influenced by church leadership, you may have legal options.
- Do not stop reaching out to your kids. Every text, every card, every attempt is evidence that you never stopped being their parent.
Your children need both parents. A church that truly cares about your family will fight to keep that bond intact.
1 Craig Childress, Psy.D., "An Attachment-Based Model of Parental Alienation," California Southern University lecture series.
2 The attachment system is biologically designed to bond children to their caregivers. Rejection of a normal-range parent is an indicator of external influence. See Childress, "Treatment of Attachment-Based Parental Alienation."